Part 1: Embracing Change

The old tree had stood at the bottom of his grandfather’s garden since before the old man himself was born. It had provided shelter during countless hot summers and Sam had enjoyed kicking his way through its fallen autumn leaves ever since he could remember. Now it was rotten and becoming dangerous and had to be felled.

Sam was sad to see the tree he had grown up with being lopped and mutilated by chainsaws.

‘Does it really have to go?’, he asked grandfather.

‘Things grow, they mature and they die’, said grandfather. ‘I have resisted having that tree cut down for long enough. It has to make way for the new sapling I have been growing in a pot, which now needs more room for its roots.’

‘But it will be such a big change to the garden. That tree must be even older than you.’

‘Much older. Yes it will make a change. And as it has to happen, we might as well say goodbye gratefully to the old tree and enjoy looking forward to the new one coming into blossom.’

* * *

How satisfied are you with your life as it is right now?

Do you sometimes feel frustrated, stuck in a rut, directionless, bored, anxious, depressed or angry, and want to make some changes?

Or is change more often forced upon you by other people or circumstances apparently beyond your control?

Change is unavoidable and continuous throughout our lives. Our bodies change. Our minds change. Our values change. Our habits change. Our desires change. Our needs change.

If you see change as a threat to your security or to your peace of mind, you are trapped in a world without freedom of thought or action. You are at the mercy of forces outside yourself, constrained by rules not of your making.

What would it be like if you could learn to embrace change – to welcome it without resistance? If it’s going to happen anyway, how could you find a way to enjoy it?

Real security lies not in possessions or even in other people, but in the knowledge that whatever happens, you can deal with it. And the fact that you are still here means you have successfully dealt with everything life has put your way so far

Embracing change means seeing it not as a problem, but as an opportunity. Not always easy.

Unexpected redundancy could be an opportunity to do the kind of work you have always wanted to do, but were too tied into the ‘security’ of a regular wage to attempt. Divorce could be an opportunity to find the perfect person to share your life with, or it could provide the freedom to explore the world without having to build someone else’s needs into your plans. Bankruptcy could bring a welcome breathing space from your creditors and an opportunity to live without being hounded by debt collectors while you rebuild your fortunes.

Of course, these examples of major life challenges all come with their share of pain and grief, and having myself experienced the first two and come close to the third, I know how easy it is to get dragged down by those unhelpful feelings and think that life is the pits and can never get better. And I also know that it can get better, so long as you keep in mind what is truly valuable – such things as your health, the company and support of friends, the ability to experience natural beauty and the appreciation of life as an adventure with infinite opportunities for discovery and learning.

You could, if you chose to, think of the rest of your life as a downhill slide into poverty, obscurity and decrepitude, and it will probably not disappoint you. Your attitude and demeanour will attract the kind of people and experiences to support your beliefs and expectations, and life will live down to your expectations.

I recently came across a man who was so sure that people would reject him that he made little effort even to talk to them. His favourite saying was, ‘Nothing ever works out for me, there’s no point in trying’. He ‘knew’ that people would be put off by his lack of money, his age or his looks and hallucinated their reaction so convincingly that they never even got an opportunity to reject him – he does all the work for them! In fact he has already succeeded in being married, helped to bring up an intelligent and loving daughter, had a number of jobs, has played in a rock band, and has the ability to express himself in poetry. If he decided to put his attention on his abilities and resources, instead of on the relatively few examples of rejection he has actually experienced, I wonder what he could make of his life?

This person has a particular set of beliefs about himself – he calls them ‘facts’. He has chosen as ‘proof’ of his incompetence particular examples of times in his life when events have failed to live up to his expectations, and put all his attention on them until images of ‘failure’ occupy most of his waking thoughts and even haunt his dreams. Maybe you have done something like this yourself. Maybe you are still doing it.

Beliefs are a matter of choice – they can be held quite independently of facts. After all, millions of people fervently believe in one or other of a multitude of religions which have barely a single hard fact between them.

If you must have beliefs about yourself, why not choose to have useful ones? Choosing which beliefs to have is largely a matter of selecting suitable evidence from your life experiences. If you select and focus on all the examples you have in your memory of times when you did not perform well, then your dominant belief about yourself is likely to be, ‘I’m no good, I can’t succeed’. Choose another set of examples of times when you did succeed in doing something, and your dominant belief will change to something more useful, such as, ‘I can do anything I set my mind on’.

‘Easy to talk about in theory’, some say, ‘but how do you do this in practice when you are unemployed, broke, depressed and the world is constantly reminding you of your failures?’

That was the situation of most of the people who came on our SHAPE courses, and a great many have found they can take more control over their state of mind by using the same techniques you will learn in this book. And it does help if you have someone who can give you support when you most need it, if only to remind you that you are a worthwhile person and you have a reason for being here. This is much more than just ‘positive thinking’, which can seem like painting a smile on your face and lying about your true feelings. This book is about experiencing your feelings, noticing how you – and only you – create them and learning to take more control of that process.

As I said, beliefs are a matter of choice. It is not necessary to believe the following statements, but you may like to “try them on” to see how they could change your outlook on life:

• Everything happens for a reason. Adversity contains the seeds of benefit. Seeds need attention and nurturing to grow.

• You can choose to accept responsibility for everything that happens to you and give yourself the power to take control of your life. Blaming other people means giving your power away.

• Health and happiness are natural states. A shortfall in either indicates an imbalance in your system. Learn to find your own point of balance.

• The mind and the body are part of the same system. If you change your mind, you change your body. If you change your body, you change your mind.

• The only constant in life is change. Learn to make it your ally, not your enemy.

• If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always gotten. If what you are doing is not getting you where you want to be, then do something different.

• What you focus on will increase in your life. Focus on problems and you will experience more problems. Focus on success, and you will experience more success.

• There is no such thing as failure: there is only feedback. Feedback comes to you via your senses, and tells you whether you are on-course, or off-course.

• All the resources you need – and all the answers – are already within you. Learn to listen to your inner adviser.

• Long term success requires commitment. Only you can make the decision to commit to your own success – and to decide what success means to you.